Protecting the Basics

Why We Often Give Up What We Need Most

Aug 04, 2026

Welcome to the August newsletter of The Wellbeing Equation. As summer begins to give way to fall, many of us find ourselves anticipating fuller schedules and a return to more structured routines. Although these transitions affect each of us differently, they can change how much time and attention we are able to give to our wellbeing.

What interests me is not simply that this happens, but why it happens so often. Perhaps part of the reason is that the transition into fall requires us to contend with several changes in our lives at once. As we contend with these changes, we often focus on what needs to be done right away and give less attention to the stress we are under.

Many of us begin trying to do too much. We may fit in one last trip or take on more than we can reasonably manage, even as our stress increases. Instead of helping our minds and bodies adjust, we often speed up at the very moment when a slower pace of life would serve us better.

One interesting question, then, is if we know what helps us maintain our health and wellbeing, what happens to that knowledge when life becomes more demanding? Perhaps the issue is not that we forget what is good for us, but that other things momentarily take precedence. Too many things can come at us at once, and our good intentions soon get interrupted by what feels urgent and necessary.

As the demands of life increase, the things requiring our immediate attention can take precedence over what we intended to do for ourselves. We often tell ourselves we can get back to taking care of ourselves tomorrow. But tomorrow often brings another set of demands, or we simply no longer feel like doing what we had intended. Putting it off can also bring a sense of relief in the moment, making it that much harder to follow through on those intentions later.

As life begins to get busier, aspects of our self-care can become harder to maintain. This may not mean we have stopped caring for ourselves altogether. Many of the ways we struggle to take care of ourselves are attempts to solve real problems. The difficulty is that they often solve one problem while creating another.

Roger, a man in his mid-forties, came to see me because, as he put it, “I’m no longer fun. I’m irritated all the time, and even I don’t like myself.” Roger had lost his high school sweetheart to breast cancer two years earlier and was now raising their son and daughter on his own. Four years earlier, Roger had received a promotion that meant moving several states away to work at the company’s main office and traveling more frequently. He had not made many friends since the move, and after his wife died, he found himself feeling increasingly alone while also having to do more for his children.

It was time for his children to return to school, and Roger needed to fill out their new school forms and rearrange his work travel. The previous summer had been a mess, and this year he told himself he would not let the stress in his life interfere with theirs. But his wife had helped him manage the logistics of their family life, and having to handle all of it on his own now made him miss her even more.

Over time, Roger began missing more of his workouts at a nearby gym. He also started staying up later after his children went to bed so he could catch up on work and have a little time to himself before his day ended. Some nights, to take the edge off, he found himself sitting in the living room, watching sad movies and drinking one too many beers. The next day, however, he often felt more tired, more irritable with his children, and even less certain about what to do about his growing sense of loneliness.

As we continued to meet, it became increasingly clear that Roger kept up with nearly everything that needed to be done except the things that helped him take care of himself. “Roger, have you ever noticed that when everything can’t get done, it’s usually your own needs that get left out of the equation?” “My wife always told me I was the uber responsible one when it came to the family.” He paused for a moment before adding, “Somebody always has to make sure everything gets done.” “Always?” I asked. “And who makes sure it all gets done?” Roger was quiet for a few moments. “I guess... I do.” After another pause, he said, “My dad used to say, ‘Sacrifices have to be made, son.’” “I guess you took your father’s words to heart, Roger.”

“I always figured that’s just what being a good father meant because that’s what my father did. My father worked hard, and I never heard him complain. He was always busy and just kept moving. He was a good father, so I guess I came to believe that was what a good father did.” “It sounds like you’ve become a bit of a chip off the old block.” Roger sat quietly for a moment before saying, “Maybe I have.”

Roger’s situation also raised a broader question for me: if there are moments in life when we have to give certain things up, why do so many of us end up sacrificing the very things that help us function and feel better? While it is a difficult question to answer, I think a great deal depends on what is happening in each person’s life at the time. In my own life, I notice that when I do this, it is usually because something else feels so important or pressing that I convince myself I do not really have a choice. I tell myself it has to be done or that it cannot wait.

When I slow down, however, I can sometimes see that I may be able to find time for both. I can also remember that the things that genuinely help me feel better and function well often make it easier to handle the other demands in my life. When I do them, I almost always feel better afterward and am better able to enjoy whatever I choose to do next.

If I am touching on something universal, perhaps the irony is that the things that support our wellbeing can seem like just one more demand in our busy lives. Yet they are often the very things that allow us to better take care of what is in front of us while also feeling better in the process.

There may be times when giving up a little of what helps us feel better is unavoidable. Early on, we may tell ourselves we will return to those things once our lives settle down or the pressure begins to ease. But what happens when that return keeps getting pushed further away—not for a few days or weeks, but for months or even years—until neglecting what helps us function better becomes part of how we live our lives?

At first, we may begin to feel a little more tired, less motivated, or slightly less interested in the things we usually enjoy. We may still get through our days, but it can begin to take a little more effort to do so. If this continues, we may gradually become more irritable, less patient, or more easily overwhelmed by things in life that we previously handled without much difficulty. Because these changes happen slowly, we can become accustomed to feeling a little worse without fully realizing how much not taking care of ourselves is affecting us.

If this continues, the negative effects may begin to reach beyond how we feel from day to day. We may start looking forward to fewer of the things that once interested us or stop moving toward hopes and goals that had given us a sense of purpose or direction. Life can begin to narrow, and the future may seem less open to possibility than it once did. We may begin to question whether this is simply what life has become or whether something is wrong with us. Over time, feeling tired, overwhelmed, or disconnected can deepen into discouragement, hopelessness, and a growing sense that change for the better may no longer be possible.

The physical and emotional effects can also begin to reinforce one another. Poorer sleep may leave us with less energy, and having less energy can make it harder to exercise, prepare healthy meals, or do the things that help us feel better. As stress increases, our mood and ability to think clearly can also suffer. If this continues, the effects of not taking care of ourselves can make it even harder to begin doing the things that will help us feel better.

The health and wellness literature shows that poor sleep, lack of physical activity, poor eating habits, and reduced social connection affect far more than how we feel from day to day. They are closely tied to our mood, ability to think clearly, physical health, and capacity to manage stress. When these patterns continue, both our mental and physical health can worsen over time. Taken together, these changes can gradually affect our overall sense of wellbeing and how capable we feel of managing our lives.

So with all of this in mind, the important question is: how do we begin taking better care of ourselves if the habits we have fallen into are now making that harder? One place to start is by paying attention to what we end up giving up when life becomes more demanding.

Roger had already begun answering this question without realizing it. As we continued working together, it became increasingly clear that whenever life became more demanding, the aspects of self-care that helped him feel better gradually disappeared. His workouts became less frequent, and he began staying up later. In essence, he spent less time doing the things that helped him feel healthier and better able to manage the demands in his life.

As we explored this dynamic further, it became clear that Roger was not simply giving up the things that helped him take care of himself. As a boy, he had watched his father work hard and put his own needs aside for the sake of the family. Over time, Roger came to believe that this was what a good father did. Years later, he found himself living by the same standard, even when it meant neglecting his own wellbeing.

The families we grow up in are often our first teachers about what it means to care for ourselves and others, and about whose needs take priority. We do not always realize how much we have learned from them until we find ourselves repeating some of the same patterns and choices in our own lives. As Roger and I continued exploring his upbringing, we gradually began to see that he had developed a similar idea of what it meant to be a good father. Realizing the connection between himself and his father helped Roger understand why he kept putting off taking care of himself.

Here are three practices that may help us take better care of ourselves during more demanding periods in our lives.

1. Learning From Our Patterns

Start by looking at whether anything changes in your routines when life becomes more demanding. Rather than focusing on a single day or week, think about what tends to happen over time as stress increases. Are there aspects of your life that repeatedly get set aside when demands increase? Do you respond in similar ways whenever you feel under pressure, or do the same habits and routines tend to return? Looking for these recurring patterns can help us understand that our choices are often part of a larger way of responding to life rather than isolated decisions. Once we can see our patterns more clearly, we are in a better position to decide whether they still help us maintain our wellbeing.

2. Treating Our Wellbeing as Part of Meeting Life’s Demands

Once we have a clearer sense of our patterns, the next step is to look at whether we treat our wellbeing as separate from everything else in our lives. Do we assume that taking care of ourselves has to wait until our responsibilities are finished, or can we begin to see it as part of what helps us manage those responsibilities more effectively each day? This may involve looking at how we structure our time and whether we expect ourselves to keep functioning effectively without giving enough attention to our wellbeing. The goal is not to treat our wellbeing as just another demand, but to recognize that taking care of ourselves can help us meet the demands already on our plates.

3. Returning to What Supports Our Wellbeing

Think about the things that have helped you feel healthier in the past. Which of them are still part of your life, and which have gradually disappeared? Rather than assuming you need an entirely new approach, consider whether there is something you already know helps you that could be brought back into your routine. The point is not to return to everything at once, but to identify a few reliable supports and think about how you can realistically introduce them into your daily life again.

The classic airline oxygen mask prompting always comes to mind--that you need to put your own mask on first before you are able to help anyone else. If only this was applied to everyday life because it's no different. As you pointed out, if you let enough health and wellness essentials in your life go, eventually you won't be able to function well.

One thing I would add to your excellent list of ways to get back on track is to get rid of the "all or nothing" mindset.

Often it's assumed if we can't fully do something, we might as well not do it at all. Like Roger with his workouts. Just because he can't get to the gym to do his desired workout doesn't mean he shouldn't do anything. Even a few minutes of bodyweight exercises or having a simple bag of resistance bands on hand to squeeze in some things around his busy schedule when life is demanding could make a difference. It would likely also help him feel more in control of his life by doing at least a little something for him.

2 replies by Dr. Bronce Rice and others

George Ziogas

It’s so easy to sacrifice ourselves while taking care of everything else. The basics often seem expendable until we feel their absence. Taking care of ourselves helps us show up better for everyone.

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