I aim to stay in gratitude as much as possible. It’s not always easy when I am busy or when something is annoying or worrying me. So, I remind myself to be grateful for everything that comes to me and all that I give out. The ideal, although hard to remember, is to be grateful for even the things that go wrong, because they bring their own lessons. I think of gratitude as a way of living, rather than a list to recite, although that at least is something. This, of course is what you are doing by including gratitude in your Wellbeing Equation. A great read, thank you Bronce 💕
You have a very good eye Sue and I appreciate your wider perspective on gratitude and then also watching how you apply it in your own personal life. That piece about being grateful for everything that comes into our lives - is a great example. It's one I eventually get to but boy oh boy in the moment can I get thrown off that horse called composure. It's one of the side "benefits" of preaching the gospel of wellbeing. I have to continue to be more cognizant not only what I mean by this but also when I fall off the horse - I have to figure out where did I run the horse off to and how do I get back on with less energy expenditure. I can be a bit ornery and stubborn at points. But yes that way of living - so pertinent in our discussion. Thank you!
It’s a practice, not something you can decide on and then it becomes reality. You have to build the skill. So using your analogy, you recognise where the horse is and get back on, again and again. One day, you stop falling off.
Bronce, this really puts words to why “forced gratitude” can feel so heavy instead of healing. I appreciate how you link thankfulness to boundaries and the permission to rest. It’s a good nudge to ask what I’m truly grateful for, and whether I’m actually giving myself space to feel it.
Yes, in essence, we want to track and eventually understand what enables us not only to practice gratitude but to feel it, to experience it on a lived, embodied level. When we engage with ourselves and with the things in our lives we’re grateful for in this way, we can, under certain conditions, begin to participate with them and with ourselves more fully. Over time, that participation can deepen; those same elements can start to give something back to us at an experiential level. It becomes a kind of give-and-take relationship, one we can learn to invest time and attention in because, under the right conditions, it helps us live a richer and more balanced quality of life.
But we can approach this same kind of practice and feel the opposite. It can feel forced, even hollow, and end up diminishing the quality of our experience. Part of being human is learning what makes the difference between one and the other. I like the way you put it, George: “It’s a good nudge to ask what I’m truly grateful for, and whether I’m actually giving myself space to feel it.” In other words, do I know what the conditions are that allow me to feel gratitude and participate with it emotionally? I called the article The Gratitude Equation, but I could just as easily have titled it The Space Within US to Feel Grateful.
Like many aspects of life there seems a balance to be had. To put time and energy into it and yet you can't fake it as you mention. On the other side of the investment is the slowing down to help us find it or feel it in our experience. To fine tune our experience of living if you will.
Oh my… I’m working with this now with something I’m making. The whole concept is so important. Great thoughts. Grateful to see this as I’m waking up here in chilly Chicagoland. Good morning! 🌞
I’ve been immersed in this for a few weeks and am really trying to bring it to fruition. It’s a different project than I’ve done. But I am hoping it will be very helpful. It’s fun but has a huge learning curve. Think I’ll get all my things together before I talk or listen too much to others or I won’t be able to hear my own voice. I’ll love input then, though, and hopefully share thoughts from others in it, too — brilliant people like you, I hope. :)
Yes, practicing gratitude is backed by science, showing that we can literally rewire our brains to see the world in a less negative light. It is my lifestyle and also part of my research, so your insightful story deeply resonated with me, Dr Rice. It is a great way of celebrating National Gratitude Month. Thank you for writing this valuable piece from the heart, and I hope your insights reach many readers who can benefit from it.
Thank you, Dr. Yildiz. I always love when something close to my heart shows up in the science of better living section of life, so to speak. That’s often what happens when I read your work and find myself wondering, how did he do that? When science, art, connection, and healthy living meet in the hallways of life, it never fails to put a smile on my face. I’m grateful to be able to share in a conversation like this with you. It matters.
Restacked and recommended. Your ability to uncover the nuance at the heart of the things that prevent us from living authentically is to be applauded. Thanks to the conceptual mind, we need these repeated reminders that it is not the practice (in this case, gratitude) but the presence/perspective we bring to it, that enriches out lives. Thank you.
It really helps hearing this from someone else who’s also in the ring day after day, given the kind of work we do. Yes, that difference, or connection, between practicing gratitude and actually feeling it in our bones when it happens. How did we get there? Those are the kinds of questions and reflections I love exploring. So thank you! :)
Thank you Chano! I appreciate you taking the time to read it epecially given the important work you do. Thus, I'm glad you liked it. Should time permit, I'd love to hear more about what you liked as it helps me better understand where I'm on the right track so to speak.
For me and many other people, we know we're not treating people like we expect them to treat other people if we ourselves don't do it. I can't think of many times I didn't in my life, and never over important issues if at all. There's not much to it really. I've learned a good bit like many people have growing up from teen years, etc. But I always felt and knew that if I acted like a scammer to people in any kind of way, that it's not the right thing to do for me, for them, or for anyone.
No one sets the reality that people are either respectful and responsible, or they're not. In America, our elections have been very harmful fiction with those fake voting machines, as pointed out on HBO. Our so-called "representatives" have screwed us all over, not just this group or that group. People are agreeing on that often in person too. No rational person anywhere promotes for people to educate themselves, but don't educate themselves. Equally, no rational person expects anyone else to believe that they believe they're promoting being respectful and responsible, if they openly are not, and doing the opposite in many cases. The principle of how doing things like that is not good is set all by itself.
Honestly, I would want anyone to let me know the research people have pointed out for years too on these cults, these major crimes, fake gov, fake voting machines, fake media, and fake news. Since 2001, many people have been sharing the best truth they can. In my experience, it's only been in the last few years that I even understood what "gaslighting" even was, and that there are actually adults who've been doing that to people. The reason it took me a while to understand that is simply because like many people I'm an average, decent, forgiving person who would never, could never, do anything like that to people.
Thank you for learning and sharing the best truth you can too.
Hi Michael - Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and reflections. I appreciate the care you bring to how people treat one another and your wish for integrity and responsibility in the world from all of us. It’s clear that honesty and fairness matter deeply to you. I can relate to that as I do the work I do because I want people to have a place to get help with life’s struggles. Like you, I often wonder what leads people to gaslight or harm others in ways that feel so unnecessary.
The Gratitude Equation was written in that same spirit related to finding ways to live in alignment with what feels right, true and is actually good for each of us, even in a rather complicated, seemingly messed up, world. Underneath it all, it speaks to the simple truth that care, love, respect, and healthy boundaries are good for all of us.
You've done something incredibly important here: you've rescued gratitude from the shallow, often toxic positivity it's been relegated to, and you've restored its proper function as a profound psychological and physiological tool.
From my perspective, the mental model you're deconstructing is one where gratitude is treated as a duty, an output we are obligated to produce, regardless of our internal state. Your patient's story is the perfect, heartbreaking illustration of this. Her "gratitude" was actually a trauma response, a peacekeeping ritual that required her to annihilate her own needs.
The "Gratitude Equation" you propose is a much more sophisticated and sustainable model. It correctly reframes gratitude as an outcome, a natural emergent property of a system that is in balance. It's the feeling that arises when you are operating within your own boundaries, not in spite of them.
This isn't just a psychological insight; it's a biochemical one. The "peacekeeping" gratitude is a high-cortisol state of self-abandonment. The genuine gratitude you describe is a low-cortisol, high-oxytocin state of authentic connection. They are not the same thing at all.
This is a powerful and liberating piece of work. Thank you for it.
Dr. Kane - I’m glad you touched on the toxic-positivity aspect of gratitude and of self-help culture in general, it’s an element I often find disconcerting myself.
I deeply appreciate your reflections on the piece. I often come away from your comments with greater clarity about what I’m actually exploring in the work itself. You’re exactly right that my patient’s “gratitude” was trauma-based, a strategy for preserving attachment and safety. Recognizing that allows us to see where some of the most important interventions have to occur, at the level of those deeply ingrained patterns of belief and coping that once ensured survival but now perpetuate exhaustion and self-neglect.
And yes, if I’m hearing you correctly, you’re drawing a connection between psychological states and the body’s biochemical responses. That connection has been at the center of much of my recent attention as well, tracing how mind and body collaborate, rather than separate, in the maintenance of wellbeing. It’s striking how often what we call “psychological insight” is accompanied with, or perhaps produced, a measurable physiological shift.
Bronce, I'm glad that resonated. It feels like we're both circling the same fundamental truth from our respective disciplines.
You've just articulated the crux of it perfectly. That shift from a survival algorithm to a thriving algorithm is the entire game. And you're right, the "psychological insight" isn't a separate, abstract event. From my perspective, it's the conscious recognition of the physiological state.
The way I see it, the insight is the physiological shift. The moment your patient recognized her gratitude as a coping mechanism, she wasn't just having a thought; she was interrupting a deeply ingrained neural circuit that was hard-wired to a specific cortisol-driven response. That "aha" moment is the brain building a new, less costly pathway in real-time.
It's a perfect example of the mind-body collaboration you're talking about. The work you're doing isn't just helping people change their minds; you're helping them change their biology from the top down. It's a fascinating and powerful process to observe.
This is the first example I can think of when gratitude feels forced. People say it with good intentions to lift people up when their focus shifts from presence to past or future while having feelings of pain, frustration, hope etc.
But gratitude is a very personal thing. When we express it while not feeling it, we are bound to be stressed and lose alignment.
I value your advice of taking the time to reflect when gratitude is expressed because people expect it and when it matches your own feeling. Shutting off our feelings from other people because we are expected to be happy can start a slow process of mental pain.
"It`s ok not to be ok" and express it to people we trust and feel good with setting boundaries.
Well said Philipp! Yes, the piece you mention about other people telling me what I should feel and be thankful for. I understand what they mean but given the tone it often get's presented in gets mixed up with my struggle to begin with. I have to step back from the crowd and enter my own inner sanctiary to let my frustrations cool a bit. I can be stubborn and acknowledging the messages they bring - the good, bad and ugly is not always what I want to be up to at the moment. So it helps with that alignment you highlight if I can turn inward and meditate on the nature of my gratitude. So important tied to your observation of adding a bit more mental pain to our plate than wished for.
Thank you Sae Abiola! :) Should time permit, I'd love to hear more about your story and how gratitude enters into the mix as you sound fond of helping others. God bless and keep you as the expression goes. We need help on this planet related to what you bring to the table.
Thank you Jesse. I appreciate it and I will say back at you as in thank God for the two-way street experience. Because interestingly enough, what you just said gets at the heart of much of what is going in our current society today and not in a good way.
What a beautifully written piece, Bronce. Thank you for your wide ranging view on gratitude and the gentle, compassionate way you explore it. I really appreciate your acknowledgement of how many of us were taught misdirected gratitude in co-dependent or other dysfunctional systems. Your Reflection Questions are especially helpful as we enter into holiday season. They are worthy of printing for daily review. They remind us to pay attention to subtle body signals like pressure and mindful consciousness about boundaries in the present moment to protect our needs and travel in the lane of genuine gratitude, not obligation. This can guide us into kinder ways of being with ourselves and others.
Thank you Patti. I bow in great honor. I always appreciate what you are looking at and how you find your way to expressing it in words. As in, "They remind us to pay attention to subtle body signals like pressure and mindful consciousness about boundaries in the present moment to protect our needs and travel in the lane of genuine gratitude, not obligation." To travel in the lane of gratitude. I'm like Good Lord write that down! Who wrote it...I love it! :)
Ohh the 'Eye twitching' used to be something I experienced a lot, I'm truly grateful it seems to have disappeared.
A realistic article on how trying to be grateful when we are just not feeling it, is not an act that aligns with our healing journey.
I do believe that activating the heart intentionally really helps me to feel gratitude for challenging times, that I know are truly blessings to learn and grow from.
Thank you Bronce, a truly insightful peice that I'm sure will help many, especially coming up to a wonderful but potentially chaotic time of you🙏✨
Thank you, Nicola :) Yes, the eye-twitching thing, I haven’t had it for years, and then all of a sudden, out of the blue, there it was. Which feels almost self-deceiving to say it that way. Yesterday, I was in session with a patient, helping her slow down, and I had to laugh at the irony, I was guiding her through the very thing my eye was telling me I needed more of myself.
And yes, activating the heart and witnessing its transformational power is something to behold. It’s sort of priceless, especially when it happens in the presence of others. It felt like a companion moment to my eye experience, profound in its own way. You have a great way of keeping your eye on the prize, pun intended, of course :)
Great piece Bronce. So many helpful takeaways for all of us. I especially loved the point about how if we don't care for ourselves first and feel already overextended, gratitude can feel like one more item on our already overflowing checklist--especially during the holiday season.
I'm definitely going to use the power of "no" as appropriate this holiday season to give myself that grace.
Thank you Melanie :) I appreciate you taking the time to read my piece and convey what you found helpful. As I conveyed above, this helps me better understand where I'm on the right track. I will certainly need to slow down a bit this holiday season. It won't hurt me to say no politely within reason. Thus, we seem to be on the same page again. Nice to have good company.
I love how you emphasized the importance of balancing appreciation with boundaries and self-care. One point that really stood out to me was the idea that gratitude can turn into obligation. I never thought of it that way before. This insight has inspired me to explore this topic further and write about my own experiences. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and promoting a more mindful approach to gratitude. 🙏
Thank you for ready and responding! Yes, I imagine you could write about how when gratitude turns into obligation one might feel less kind in various different ways.
Many moons ago I was given an assignment from my coach to say NO to everything that week, no matter how benign— even if someone asked to get coffee with me. “No” without an apology or a run-on explanation to justify it.
That week helped me reveal my true YESes. I also learned how effectively this drives genuine gratitude.
Savitree - That is so interesting! I may try this with some of my patients who have a tendency to be people pleasers to a large degree. Could work wonders over the holidays. Could you say no and give a short reason? Like, thank you for asking but I'll need to say no. I'm too busy.
I always steered my clients away from "I'm too busy." We're all busy, and in my experience, the "busiest" people never say it. Also, we make room for things that are valuable enough to us, and we all know it. It's more of a brush off.
The problem becomes, we forget what's truly valuable, so our "yes" is won by the moment's mood.
If I felt so compelled to go beyond a simple no (super scary, which is why your question gets asked by anyone confronted with this assignment), I was challenged by my coach to say exactly why it's a no right now (besides "cause my coach gave me this assignment"). It's truly not because I'm busy, because after that, I'm sure to binge a show or take a two hour nap, unplanned.
What I used: Thanks for asking, but...: I'm not interested. It's not going to work for me this week/ next week/ this month/ this year.
My "favorite": "At the moment, I'm in monk mode focused on some things that's really important for me to see through."
But even that's giving a lot and never felt as powerful as a straight up NO (which was the assignment). It will also invite this response: "but you still have to eat/ take a break, don't you" and then the answer needs to be a simple "no" with no further followup. Otherwise, you're still apologizing for/explaining yourself away.
For household members: No, you can grab it from the laundry. No, you can find something to eat. No, make some calls to your friends and see if you can find a ride.
The stricter you get with this, the faster you find your true yes. It's a spiritual practice, for sure. It's also quite fun once you get over the initial trauma.
I aim to stay in gratitude as much as possible. It’s not always easy when I am busy or when something is annoying or worrying me. So, I remind myself to be grateful for everything that comes to me and all that I give out. The ideal, although hard to remember, is to be grateful for even the things that go wrong, because they bring their own lessons. I think of gratitude as a way of living, rather than a list to recite, although that at least is something. This, of course is what you are doing by including gratitude in your Wellbeing Equation. A great read, thank you Bronce 💕
You have a very good eye Sue and I appreciate your wider perspective on gratitude and then also watching how you apply it in your own personal life. That piece about being grateful for everything that comes into our lives - is a great example. It's one I eventually get to but boy oh boy in the moment can I get thrown off that horse called composure. It's one of the side "benefits" of preaching the gospel of wellbeing. I have to continue to be more cognizant not only what I mean by this but also when I fall off the horse - I have to figure out where did I run the horse off to and how do I get back on with less energy expenditure. I can be a bit ornery and stubborn at points. But yes that way of living - so pertinent in our discussion. Thank you!
It’s a practice, not something you can decide on and then it becomes reality. You have to build the skill. So using your analogy, you recognise where the horse is and get back on, again and again. One day, you stop falling off.
Yes! I like that. One day I'll not fall off! :) Let's hope that day is today. It will be my first. I look forward to it. lol
If you miss today, tomorrow is a good day to start again.
Bronce, this really puts words to why “forced gratitude” can feel so heavy instead of healing. I appreciate how you link thankfulness to boundaries and the permission to rest. It’s a good nudge to ask what I’m truly grateful for, and whether I’m actually giving myself space to feel it.
Yes, in essence, we want to track and eventually understand what enables us not only to practice gratitude but to feel it, to experience it on a lived, embodied level. When we engage with ourselves and with the things in our lives we’re grateful for in this way, we can, under certain conditions, begin to participate with them and with ourselves more fully. Over time, that participation can deepen; those same elements can start to give something back to us at an experiential level. It becomes a kind of give-and-take relationship, one we can learn to invest time and attention in because, under the right conditions, it helps us live a richer and more balanced quality of life.
But we can approach this same kind of practice and feel the opposite. It can feel forced, even hollow, and end up diminishing the quality of our experience. Part of being human is learning what makes the difference between one and the other. I like the way you put it, George: “It’s a good nudge to ask what I’m truly grateful for, and whether I’m actually giving myself space to feel it.” In other words, do I know what the conditions are that allow me to feel gratitude and participate with it emotionally? I called the article The Gratitude Equation, but I could just as easily have titled it The Space Within US to Feel Grateful.
Gratitude isn’t something you can fake, it has to be felt in its own time. Your reflection is a reminder to slow down enough to let it find us. 🙏
Like many aspects of life there seems a balance to be had. To put time and energy into it and yet you can't fake it as you mention. On the other side of the investment is the slowing down to help us find it or feel it in our experience. To fine tune our experience of living if you will.
Oh my… I’m working with this now with something I’m making. The whole concept is so important. Great thoughts. Grateful to see this as I’m waking up here in chilly Chicagoland. Good morning! 🌞
Good morning Dove! Wind off the lake will make you grateful for vests and warm hats! lol
I'm excited to hear more about what you're working on when time permits :)
I’ve been immersed in this for a few weeks and am really trying to bring it to fruition. It’s a different project than I’ve done. But I am hoping it will be very helpful. It’s fun but has a huge learning curve. Think I’ll get all my things together before I talk or listen too much to others or I won’t be able to hear my own voice. I’ll love input then, though, and hopefully share thoughts from others in it, too — brilliant people like you, I hope. :)
Yes, practicing gratitude is backed by science, showing that we can literally rewire our brains to see the world in a less negative light. It is my lifestyle and also part of my research, so your insightful story deeply resonated with me, Dr Rice. It is a great way of celebrating National Gratitude Month. Thank you for writing this valuable piece from the heart, and I hope your insights reach many readers who can benefit from it.
Thank you, Dr. Yildiz. I always love when something close to my heart shows up in the science of better living section of life, so to speak. That’s often what happens when I read your work and find myself wondering, how did he do that? When science, art, connection, and healthy living meet in the hallways of life, it never fails to put a smile on my face. I’m grateful to be able to share in a conversation like this with you. It matters.
Restacked and recommended. Your ability to uncover the nuance at the heart of the things that prevent us from living authentically is to be applauded. Thanks to the conceptual mind, we need these repeated reminders that it is not the practice (in this case, gratitude) but the presence/perspective we bring to it, that enriches out lives. Thank you.
It really helps hearing this from someone else who’s also in the ring day after day, given the kind of work we do. Yes, that difference, or connection, between practicing gratitude and actually feeling it in our bones when it happens. How did we get there? Those are the kinds of questions and reflections I love exploring. So thank you! :)
My 'felt' pleasure! Keep doing the good work my friend, there can never be enough!
Notice when gratitude turns into obligation. This is so important and can turn gratitude into resentment.
Bingo Daria! Great way to say it.
Great post on gratitude.
Thank you Chano! I appreciate you taking the time to read it epecially given the important work you do. Thus, I'm glad you liked it. Should time permit, I'd love to hear more about what you liked as it helps me better understand where I'm on the right track so to speak.
I hope this finds you and yours well.
Of course.
Also, feel free to share if it does tie into your work. I'd love to hear more about that also.
Dr. Rice,
For me and many other people, we know we're not treating people like we expect them to treat other people if we ourselves don't do it. I can't think of many times I didn't in my life, and never over important issues if at all. There's not much to it really. I've learned a good bit like many people have growing up from teen years, etc. But I always felt and knew that if I acted like a scammer to people in any kind of way, that it's not the right thing to do for me, for them, or for anyone.
No one sets the reality that people are either respectful and responsible, or they're not. In America, our elections have been very harmful fiction with those fake voting machines, as pointed out on HBO. Our so-called "representatives" have screwed us all over, not just this group or that group. People are agreeing on that often in person too. No rational person anywhere promotes for people to educate themselves, but don't educate themselves. Equally, no rational person expects anyone else to believe that they believe they're promoting being respectful and responsible, if they openly are not, and doing the opposite in many cases. The principle of how doing things like that is not good is set all by itself.
Honestly, I would want anyone to let me know the research people have pointed out for years too on these cults, these major crimes, fake gov, fake voting machines, fake media, and fake news. Since 2001, many people have been sharing the best truth they can. In my experience, it's only been in the last few years that I even understood what "gaslighting" even was, and that there are actually adults who've been doing that to people. The reason it took me a while to understand that is simply because like many people I'm an average, decent, forgiving person who would never, could never, do anything like that to people.
Thank you for learning and sharing the best truth you can too.
Michael
Hi Michael - Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and reflections. I appreciate the care you bring to how people treat one another and your wish for integrity and responsibility in the world from all of us. It’s clear that honesty and fairness matter deeply to you. I can relate to that as I do the work I do because I want people to have a place to get help with life’s struggles. Like you, I often wonder what leads people to gaslight or harm others in ways that feel so unnecessary.
The Gratitude Equation was written in that same spirit related to finding ways to live in alignment with what feels right, true and is actually good for each of us, even in a rather complicated, seemingly messed up, world. Underneath it all, it speaks to the simple truth that care, love, respect, and healthy boundaries are good for all of us.
Warmly,
Bronce
Bronce, this is a deeply necessary piece.
You've done something incredibly important here: you've rescued gratitude from the shallow, often toxic positivity it's been relegated to, and you've restored its proper function as a profound psychological and physiological tool.
From my perspective, the mental model you're deconstructing is one where gratitude is treated as a duty, an output we are obligated to produce, regardless of our internal state. Your patient's story is the perfect, heartbreaking illustration of this. Her "gratitude" was actually a trauma response, a peacekeeping ritual that required her to annihilate her own needs.
The "Gratitude Equation" you propose is a much more sophisticated and sustainable model. It correctly reframes gratitude as an outcome, a natural emergent property of a system that is in balance. It's the feeling that arises when you are operating within your own boundaries, not in spite of them.
This isn't just a psychological insight; it's a biochemical one. The "peacekeeping" gratitude is a high-cortisol state of self-abandonment. The genuine gratitude you describe is a low-cortisol, high-oxytocin state of authentic connection. They are not the same thing at all.
This is a powerful and liberating piece of work. Thank you for it.
Dr Tom Kane
Dr. Kane - I’m glad you touched on the toxic-positivity aspect of gratitude and of self-help culture in general, it’s an element I often find disconcerting myself.
I deeply appreciate your reflections on the piece. I often come away from your comments with greater clarity about what I’m actually exploring in the work itself. You’re exactly right that my patient’s “gratitude” was trauma-based, a strategy for preserving attachment and safety. Recognizing that allows us to see where some of the most important interventions have to occur, at the level of those deeply ingrained patterns of belief and coping that once ensured survival but now perpetuate exhaustion and self-neglect.
And yes, if I’m hearing you correctly, you’re drawing a connection between psychological states and the body’s biochemical responses. That connection has been at the center of much of my recent attention as well, tracing how mind and body collaborate, rather than separate, in the maintenance of wellbeing. It’s striking how often what we call “psychological insight” is accompanied with, or perhaps produced, a measurable physiological shift.
Bronce, I'm glad that resonated. It feels like we're both circling the same fundamental truth from our respective disciplines.
You've just articulated the crux of it perfectly. That shift from a survival algorithm to a thriving algorithm is the entire game. And you're right, the "psychological insight" isn't a separate, abstract event. From my perspective, it's the conscious recognition of the physiological state.
The way I see it, the insight is the physiological shift. The moment your patient recognized her gratitude as a coping mechanism, she wasn't just having a thought; she was interrupting a deeply ingrained neural circuit that was hard-wired to a specific cortisol-driven response. That "aha" moment is the brain building a new, less costly pathway in real-time.
It's a perfect example of the mind-body collaboration you're talking about. The work you're doing isn't just helping people change their minds; you're helping them change their biology from the top down. It's a fascinating and powerful process to observe.
"You should be thankful for what you have."
This is the first example I can think of when gratitude feels forced. People say it with good intentions to lift people up when their focus shifts from presence to past or future while having feelings of pain, frustration, hope etc.
But gratitude is a very personal thing. When we express it while not feeling it, we are bound to be stressed and lose alignment.
I value your advice of taking the time to reflect when gratitude is expressed because people expect it and when it matches your own feeling. Shutting off our feelings from other people because we are expected to be happy can start a slow process of mental pain.
"It`s ok not to be ok" and express it to people we trust and feel good with setting boundaries.
Well said Philipp! Yes, the piece you mention about other people telling me what I should feel and be thankful for. I understand what they mean but given the tone it often get's presented in gets mixed up with my struggle to begin with. I have to step back from the crowd and enter my own inner sanctiary to let my frustrations cool a bit. I can be stubborn and acknowledging the messages they bring - the good, bad and ugly is not always what I want to be up to at the moment. So it helps with that alignment you highlight if I can turn inward and meditate on the nature of my gratitude. So important tied to your observation of adding a bit more mental pain to our plate than wished for.
Great read🙌🙌🙌
Thank you Sae Abiola! :) Should time permit, I'd love to hear more about your story and how gratitude enters into the mix as you sound fond of helping others. God bless and keep you as the expression goes. We need help on this planet related to what you bring to the table.
Gratitude should never feel like performance art.. well said
Thank you Jesse. I appreciate it and I will say back at you as in thank God for the two-way street experience. Because interestingly enough, what you just said gets at the heart of much of what is going in our current society today and not in a good way.
What a beautifully written piece, Bronce. Thank you for your wide ranging view on gratitude and the gentle, compassionate way you explore it. I really appreciate your acknowledgement of how many of us were taught misdirected gratitude in co-dependent or other dysfunctional systems. Your Reflection Questions are especially helpful as we enter into holiday season. They are worthy of printing for daily review. They remind us to pay attention to subtle body signals like pressure and mindful consciousness about boundaries in the present moment to protect our needs and travel in the lane of genuine gratitude, not obligation. This can guide us into kinder ways of being with ourselves and others.
Thank you Patti. I bow in great honor. I always appreciate what you are looking at and how you find your way to expressing it in words. As in, "They remind us to pay attention to subtle body signals like pressure and mindful consciousness about boundaries in the present moment to protect our needs and travel in the lane of genuine gratitude, not obligation." To travel in the lane of gratitude. I'm like Good Lord write that down! Who wrote it...I love it! :)
Ohh the 'Eye twitching' used to be something I experienced a lot, I'm truly grateful it seems to have disappeared.
A realistic article on how trying to be grateful when we are just not feeling it, is not an act that aligns with our healing journey.
I do believe that activating the heart intentionally really helps me to feel gratitude for challenging times, that I know are truly blessings to learn and grow from.
Thank you Bronce, a truly insightful peice that I'm sure will help many, especially coming up to a wonderful but potentially chaotic time of you🙏✨
Thank you, Nicola :) Yes, the eye-twitching thing, I haven’t had it for years, and then all of a sudden, out of the blue, there it was. Which feels almost self-deceiving to say it that way. Yesterday, I was in session with a patient, helping her slow down, and I had to laugh at the irony, I was guiding her through the very thing my eye was telling me I needed more of myself.
And yes, activating the heart and witnessing its transformational power is something to behold. It’s sort of priceless, especially when it happens in the presence of others. It felt like a companion moment to my eye experience, profound in its own way. You have a great way of keeping your eye on the prize, pun intended, of course :)
It's ironic isn't it, but I guess keeps us humble and aware of our complex nature's. It also keeps me in humour... Always laughing at myself🙄😂
Great piece Bronce. So many helpful takeaways for all of us. I especially loved the point about how if we don't care for ourselves first and feel already overextended, gratitude can feel like one more item on our already overflowing checklist--especially during the holiday season.
I'm definitely going to use the power of "no" as appropriate this holiday season to give myself that grace.
Thank you Melanie :) I appreciate you taking the time to read my piece and convey what you found helpful. As I conveyed above, this helps me better understand where I'm on the right track. I will certainly need to slow down a bit this holiday season. It won't hurt me to say no politely within reason. Thus, we seem to be on the same page again. Nice to have good company.
I love how you emphasized the importance of balancing appreciation with boundaries and self-care. One point that really stood out to me was the idea that gratitude can turn into obligation. I never thought of it that way before. This insight has inspired me to explore this topic further and write about my own experiences. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and promoting a more mindful approach to gratitude. 🙏
Thank you for ready and responding! Yes, I imagine you could write about how when gratitude turns into obligation one might feel less kind in various different ways.
Many moons ago I was given an assignment from my coach to say NO to everything that week, no matter how benign— even if someone asked to get coffee with me. “No” without an apology or a run-on explanation to justify it.
That week helped me reveal my true YESes. I also learned how effectively this drives genuine gratitude.
Savitree - That is so interesting! I may try this with some of my patients who have a tendency to be people pleasers to a large degree. Could work wonders over the holidays. Could you say no and give a short reason? Like, thank you for asking but I'll need to say no. I'm too busy.
I always steered my clients away from "I'm too busy." We're all busy, and in my experience, the "busiest" people never say it. Also, we make room for things that are valuable enough to us, and we all know it. It's more of a brush off.
The problem becomes, we forget what's truly valuable, so our "yes" is won by the moment's mood.
If I felt so compelled to go beyond a simple no (super scary, which is why your question gets asked by anyone confronted with this assignment), I was challenged by my coach to say exactly why it's a no right now (besides "cause my coach gave me this assignment"). It's truly not because I'm busy, because after that, I'm sure to binge a show or take a two hour nap, unplanned.
What I used: Thanks for asking, but...: I'm not interested. It's not going to work for me this week/ next week/ this month/ this year.
My "favorite": "At the moment, I'm in monk mode focused on some things that's really important for me to see through."
But even that's giving a lot and never felt as powerful as a straight up NO (which was the assignment). It will also invite this response: "but you still have to eat/ take a break, don't you" and then the answer needs to be a simple "no" with no further followup. Otherwise, you're still apologizing for/explaining yourself away.
For household members: No, you can grab it from the laundry. No, you can find something to eat. No, make some calls to your friends and see if you can find a ride.
The stricter you get with this, the faster you find your true yes. It's a spiritual practice, for sure. It's also quite fun once you get over the initial trauma.