I’m so sorry about your dad, Bronce. This piece resonated deeply and the balancing act is very real. I’m in a season of supporting my daughter through her first weeks with a new baby. It’s been full and sweet, and I’ve managed to walk every day and get close to enough sleep. I’m heading home a little depleted but with a full heart. What I didn’t expect was how much it would bring up memories of my own four births, and the way my mother in law made those moments about herself, pulling my husband’s attention away just when I needed him most. I didn’t feel supported then, and it took these couple of weeks with the new family for me to understand how that dynamic played out. Showing up differently for my daughter has felt healing🧡
Thank you Beth for your words, support, care, sharing a bit of your current story. It feels like you've served up a good meal in my world and for that I can't thank you enough. I love when healing happens and we are able to share a bit of the love and how it happens. It makes life feel alright for a bit. And that is a meal worth re-serving. My best to you and your daughter :)
“when caring begins to cost me too much…” I’ve been feeling this for a while now. Years ago my caregiving role made me feel like I was disappearing from my life. It scared me so much because I literally could even dream anymore. So I read Brave Thinking by Mary Morrisey and it helped me learn how yo dream again. Thanks for this post. I needed this reminder.
Thank you for taking some time to spend with my words Laura. I rather appreciate it and I'm also glad they were helpful in some fashion.
It makes me wonder what happens to caring when it becomes part of what home has come to mean for us - and then our world speeds up with too many items/people/unanswered questions to take care of.
You are welcome. And thank you for your words. It helps people like me who have had a vague notion that something is out of balance to have a person like you give a name to what our challenges. The awareness is the first step to helping us figure out a better path. I'm so grateful to have so many to care for!
I love how richly woven the foundational aspects of 'showing up' for ourselves and others are in this piece. Guilt, boundaries, self-care, and the general notion of what it means to be 'dependable', can be a gauntlet for us. I do so much work in the area of 'showing up for others vs self-abandonment. This is also a timely article because it seems like an epidemic right now. I also want to say how lucky your dad is. Above all, you are a kind person. Which as you know, is the highest compliment I can give. ❤️🙏🏻
Thank you Mark, your kindness is not unwelcome, I appreciate that. I went back to therapy not so very long ago in the history of my making the acquaintance of a therapist. What are you hear for kid? Ahh, do I have to be honest here - oh yeah I guess so. My bad words got me in trouble again.
So the kindness you so eloquently verbalize is something dear to my heart. As I have to practice it on the daily.
Loved this, particularly the line about how what begins as showing up for others can quietly become a way of disappearing from ourselves. That reframe is so precise and so quietly devastating in the best way. Your writing has this rare quality of feeling both clinically grounded and deeply human at the same time.
Tip #2 really hit home for me, partly because of my job as a program director. The distinction between supporting someone and taking ownership of the whole problem. Simple on the surface, but genuinely hard to put into practice. Thank you for making this so readable and so actionable.
Thank you Charlotte! :) I appreciate your thoughts and this hits a soft spot for me. "Your writing has this rare quality of feeling both clinically grounded and deeply human at the same time." "Thank you for making this so readable and so actionable."
Distilled down to its essence that would say a fair amount of the chord I try to strike in my writing. So it's nice to see at moments I hit the right notes.
What a wonderful article, Bronce. Your compassion and caring for your family is heartwarming. I hope your father is recovering well. Family caregiving is so complex. There is no one recipe for it, but I find your question to be so wise: "What happens when my responsibility to others starts rubbing up against my responsibility for myself?" Your work with the Wellbeing Equation is a great context to explore this. I look forward to hearing more as you move through your journey. You are a thoughtful leader for many. Sending you good thoughts and encouragement for your process. 💗
Thank you Patti - I appreciate your wisdom and generousity of spirit. I know you know the journey and in many ways my father set me off on it though finding my way is not always the easiest. Glad there are kind souls out there to help in the going when the going gets rough. There are not enough words...
There’s a quiet exhaustion that comes from always being the dependable one. Your piece speaks so honestly to the guilt, pressure, and invisible weight so many caring people carry every day. Boundaries can feel uncomfortable at first, but sometimes they’re the very thing that allows kindness to survive without losing yourself in the process.
Thank you George - the boundary part in life I find is especially difficult. Not only putting them in place but then letting others around me know about them in a way that helps the relationship is what I find a bit tricky. Thank you for reading and commenting.
Excellent piece Bronce! Achieving the balance between caring for ourselves and others and being okay with prioritizing your own needs is a tricky one to achieve for many people. It comes up often in midlife when caregiving for an older family member becomes a thing and in many professions such as in healthcare. It's a classic case of knowing what to do and doing it are two different things.
My favorite analogy is the classic oxygen mask on an airplane. You have to put on yours before you are in a position to help others well. It's one to think about in everyday life. If you don't do what you need to take care of yourself, you won't be able to take on what others and the world in general is asking of you.
I relate to the story of your Father's situation as well, and was sorry to hear about his health issue and need for more care. This was something my brother and I had with my late Mom. Because he didn't listen to me about balancing and sought to take everything on personally being the local one, and didn't seek help for what was needed or for his mental health, it drove him to resent me and we have been estranged since her passing (his choice).
So you're right, eventually when the emotional cup runs over, it comes out in many ways that can be undesirable or even unintended.
Thank you Melanie - I just got back from my lunch break hike and I'll see my therapist later on this week. I'll buy a ticket home when my father moves from assisted to independent living and take him out to the lake for a few days. As you know, one of the nice things about living in the Midwest. Meaning, I'm trying to keep my head straight and do what I can for myself and my loved ones. Sometimes in can feel overwhelming but the hike just worked its magic.
Now I'll go back and help a few others with whatever they need. It's nice out 70 degrees and sunny. I've got a fighting chance today.
I appreciate your frank and open way of writing, Bronce, letting your own self and situation be part of the examples you give. I also like the advices you provide to help us stay in balance and not overextending ourselves. --
I would like to add a few of my own reflections to the discussion. --
One of my Wise Teachers taught me this: "Love does not demand sacrifice". This is a tough one in a culture, where religion sometimes has elevated sacrifice to something we should aspire to contribute. Things get clearer if that quote is combined with these very wise words: "YOU CANNOT POUR FROM AN EMPTY JUG". Our job is to balance the two – and of course remember our boundaries – and then decide what is truly reasonable for us to offer. My own take on that is this idea: "The right to say YES includes the right to say NO." --
What "RESPONSIBLE" literally could mean is "being able to respond". And if we are not!? Worst case, responsibility CAN be turned into a weapon we use against ourselves. This can join forces with guilt. And that in turn might induce a person to sacrifice themselves. The end result of that is a person who has little to offer and instead needs a lot of support to survive. --
I was my husbands caregiver for 8 years (24/7). It ended 3 years ago at his death. I can tell from solid experience that there are many situations when "caring costs to much", when you break down from overload, when stress causes injuries in your own body, and when your own well-being is at stake. What I have said in the text above are insights gleaned afterwards. --
At last: That situation of caring taught me a very important lesson: YOU MUST REMOVE GUILT FROM THE EQUATION! Guilt, like sacrifice, are often inherited from religious teachings. Neither of them serve any constructive purpose. I know this sounds radical. It is. And why not! --
If we consider the subtitle above: "Capacity, Boundaries, and the Mental Health of the Reliable one", then we also realize that we might be dealing with a life or death situation. There were times during my caregiver years when sheer exhaustion made me wish I was dead. -- Love, Maria
I’m so sorry about your dad, Bronce. This piece resonated deeply and the balancing act is very real. I’m in a season of supporting my daughter through her first weeks with a new baby. It’s been full and sweet, and I’ve managed to walk every day and get close to enough sleep. I’m heading home a little depleted but with a full heart. What I didn’t expect was how much it would bring up memories of my own four births, and the way my mother in law made those moments about herself, pulling my husband’s attention away just when I needed him most. I didn’t feel supported then, and it took these couple of weeks with the new family for me to understand how that dynamic played out. Showing up differently for my daughter has felt healing🧡
Thank you Beth for your words, support, care, sharing a bit of your current story. It feels like you've served up a good meal in my world and for that I can't thank you enough. I love when healing happens and we are able to share a bit of the love and how it happens. It makes life feel alright for a bit. And that is a meal worth re-serving. My best to you and your daughter :)
“when caring begins to cost me too much…” I’ve been feeling this for a while now. Years ago my caregiving role made me feel like I was disappearing from my life. It scared me so much because I literally could even dream anymore. So I read Brave Thinking by Mary Morrisey and it helped me learn how yo dream again. Thanks for this post. I needed this reminder.
Thank you for taking some time to spend with my words Laura. I rather appreciate it and I'm also glad they were helpful in some fashion.
It makes me wonder what happens to caring when it becomes part of what home has come to mean for us - and then our world speeds up with too many items/people/unanswered questions to take care of.
You are welcome. And thank you for your words. It helps people like me who have had a vague notion that something is out of balance to have a person like you give a name to what our challenges. The awareness is the first step to helping us figure out a better path. I'm so grateful to have so many to care for!
I love how richly woven the foundational aspects of 'showing up' for ourselves and others are in this piece. Guilt, boundaries, self-care, and the general notion of what it means to be 'dependable', can be a gauntlet for us. I do so much work in the area of 'showing up for others vs self-abandonment. This is also a timely article because it seems like an epidemic right now. I also want to say how lucky your dad is. Above all, you are a kind person. Which as you know, is the highest compliment I can give. ❤️🙏🏻
Thank you Mark, your kindness is not unwelcome, I appreciate that. I went back to therapy not so very long ago in the history of my making the acquaintance of a therapist. What are you hear for kid? Ahh, do I have to be honest here - oh yeah I guess so. My bad words got me in trouble again.
So the kindness you so eloquently verbalize is something dear to my heart. As I have to practice it on the daily.
Its so worth practicing on the daily. I mean, wherever we go, there we are!
Loved this, particularly the line about how what begins as showing up for others can quietly become a way of disappearing from ourselves. That reframe is so precise and so quietly devastating in the best way. Your writing has this rare quality of feeling both clinically grounded and deeply human at the same time.
Tip #2 really hit home for me, partly because of my job as a program director. The distinction between supporting someone and taking ownership of the whole problem. Simple on the surface, but genuinely hard to put into practice. Thank you for making this so readable and so actionable.
Thank you Charlotte! :) I appreciate your thoughts and this hits a soft spot for me. "Your writing has this rare quality of feeling both clinically grounded and deeply human at the same time." "Thank you for making this so readable and so actionable."
Distilled down to its essence that would say a fair amount of the chord I try to strike in my writing. So it's nice to see at moments I hit the right notes.
What a wonderful article, Bronce. Your compassion and caring for your family is heartwarming. I hope your father is recovering well. Family caregiving is so complex. There is no one recipe for it, but I find your question to be so wise: "What happens when my responsibility to others starts rubbing up against my responsibility for myself?" Your work with the Wellbeing Equation is a great context to explore this. I look forward to hearing more as you move through your journey. You are a thoughtful leader for many. Sending you good thoughts and encouragement for your process. 💗
Thank you Patti - I appreciate your wisdom and generousity of spirit. I know you know the journey and in many ways my father set me off on it though finding my way is not always the easiest. Glad there are kind souls out there to help in the going when the going gets rough. There are not enough words...
There’s a quiet exhaustion that comes from always being the dependable one. Your piece speaks so honestly to the guilt, pressure, and invisible weight so many caring people carry every day. Boundaries can feel uncomfortable at first, but sometimes they’re the very thing that allows kindness to survive without losing yourself in the process.
Thank you George - the boundary part in life I find is especially difficult. Not only putting them in place but then letting others around me know about them in a way that helps the relationship is what I find a bit tricky. Thank you for reading and commenting.
Excellent piece Bronce! Achieving the balance between caring for ourselves and others and being okay with prioritizing your own needs is a tricky one to achieve for many people. It comes up often in midlife when caregiving for an older family member becomes a thing and in many professions such as in healthcare. It's a classic case of knowing what to do and doing it are two different things.
My favorite analogy is the classic oxygen mask on an airplane. You have to put on yours before you are in a position to help others well. It's one to think about in everyday life. If you don't do what you need to take care of yourself, you won't be able to take on what others and the world in general is asking of you.
I relate to the story of your Father's situation as well, and was sorry to hear about his health issue and need for more care. This was something my brother and I had with my late Mom. Because he didn't listen to me about balancing and sought to take everything on personally being the local one, and didn't seek help for what was needed or for his mental health, it drove him to resent me and we have been estranged since her passing (his choice).
So you're right, eventually when the emotional cup runs over, it comes out in many ways that can be undesirable or even unintended.
Thank you Melanie - I just got back from my lunch break hike and I'll see my therapist later on this week. I'll buy a ticket home when my father moves from assisted to independent living and take him out to the lake for a few days. As you know, one of the nice things about living in the Midwest. Meaning, I'm trying to keep my head straight and do what I can for myself and my loved ones. Sometimes in can feel overwhelming but the hike just worked its magic.
Now I'll go back and help a few others with whatever they need. It's nice out 70 degrees and sunny. I've got a fighting chance today.
Sounds like you did a great job taking care of you today Bronce. Hiking always seems to do you a world of good.
I hope your Father heals up well so you two can enjoy the lake soon.
I appreciate your frank and open way of writing, Bronce, letting your own self and situation be part of the examples you give. I also like the advices you provide to help us stay in balance and not overextending ourselves. --
I would like to add a few of my own reflections to the discussion. --
One of my Wise Teachers taught me this: "Love does not demand sacrifice". This is a tough one in a culture, where religion sometimes has elevated sacrifice to something we should aspire to contribute. Things get clearer if that quote is combined with these very wise words: "YOU CANNOT POUR FROM AN EMPTY JUG". Our job is to balance the two – and of course remember our boundaries – and then decide what is truly reasonable for us to offer. My own take on that is this idea: "The right to say YES includes the right to say NO." --
What "RESPONSIBLE" literally could mean is "being able to respond". And if we are not!? Worst case, responsibility CAN be turned into a weapon we use against ourselves. This can join forces with guilt. And that in turn might induce a person to sacrifice themselves. The end result of that is a person who has little to offer and instead needs a lot of support to survive. --
I was my husbands caregiver for 8 years (24/7). It ended 3 years ago at his death. I can tell from solid experience that there are many situations when "caring costs to much", when you break down from overload, when stress causes injuries in your own body, and when your own well-being is at stake. What I have said in the text above are insights gleaned afterwards. --
At last: That situation of caring taught me a very important lesson: YOU MUST REMOVE GUILT FROM THE EQUATION! Guilt, like sacrifice, are often inherited from religious teachings. Neither of them serve any constructive purpose. I know this sounds radical. It is. And why not! --
If we consider the subtitle above: "Capacity, Boundaries, and the Mental Health of the Reliable one", then we also realize that we might be dealing with a life or death situation. There were times during my caregiver years when sheer exhaustion made me wish I was dead. -- Love, Maria